Birthday-party invitations roll in throughout the year. Usually, choosing a gift is fairly painless. Then there’s that one invitation that requests “no gifts” that stops us dead in our tracks. This divides people into three camps. One group thinks: Cool. Party on without spending any money. Another group of people wonders whether they should bring a gift anyway and starts asking around for advice. The third camp is a bit annoyed about being told what to do.

Some parents are requesting “no gifts” or donations for charity, and some are telling people what they specifically want or how much to spend. One reader, C. York, says: “I am so sick of having a birthday party for my child and having him receive so many presents that break, get lost or are never played with. I also hate handing out goodie bags filled with junk and candy. What a waste of money. This year, I want to state on the invitation a request that no presents be given and that any brought anyway will be donated to charity.”

I understand parents don’t want a bunch of toys their children don’t need. But I don’t want anyone to assume I’d give a cheap junk gift. Maybe the greenest option is not to attend. As for the goodie bags, if I wanted to give less wasteful treats at a party, I’d have a pinata or have the kids make a practical craft or edible project.

I understand the green-living perspective. It’s becoming more acceptable to request a charitable donation on an invitation. Many people love the idea. I do. And not just for the obvious reasons, but because it takes all the guesswork out, and I know I’m giving the perfect gift. But telling people how to give on an invitation is still considered rude by some. You’re not only expecting people to give gifts but you’re telling them how to spend their money. If someone asks you what they can bring, then share your thoughts. For what it’s worth, most etiquette experts agree. And if you receive unwanted gifts, nothing prevents you from donating them afterward without stating so on the invitation.

Otherwise, try the following:

— Have a family gathering: You control what you give your child at a family party, and spreading the word to family members is easy. Maybe grandma will do what she wants anyway, but talking about what your child wants or needs isn’t as awkward with relatives.

— Have a party before or after the birthday: Invite guests to a get-together at, say, an amusement park, a bowling alley or a movie theater. Your child gets to enjoy his or her friends, and you don’t have to think about gifts at all.

— Lighten up. Our children learn from us. In your quest to send the right message to your child, you might end up sending the wrong one. You can try to control things all you want, and maybe it will work out as you planned, but maybe your guests will ignore you and bring their gifts of choice anyway. And maybe we all learn that being people-friendly is as important as being earth-friendly.

 

Sara Noel is the owner of Frugal Village (www.frugalvillage.com), a Web site that offers practical, money-saving strategies for everyday living. To send tips, comments or questions, write to Sara Noel, c/o United Media, 200 Madison Ave., 4th Floor, New York, NY 10016, or e-mail sara@frugalvillage.com.